Short Story

I read Deep-Holes by Alice Munro last night. One of the unintended consequences of becoming a mom has been that reading family related stories has become painful. Many are close to the bone and coincide with what I obsess about.

The hole that most struck me in the story is the one of the father's incomplete love for his son. My husband (F)'s father found it easy to walk away from his 11 year old son, to remarry and start a new family and to never look back. They talk a couple times a year now. There was a time F said to me: "I don't understand why he wasn't interested in me. I was smart and talented. I was a great kid."

Now F's 15-year old son lives with us (One of two sons from his first marriage). I'm shocked that F feels the same way. He doesn't love him. I know he's not easy to love. He's a wigger who wants to 'smoke blunts and get pussy'. He's a crude character. I know this from monitoring his on-line life (and obviously seeing the kid daily). Sadly, I can't even get a voyeuristic kick, as it's dull and repetitive: blunts and pussy, blunts and pussy.

It pisses me off that I don't have the luxury of not giving a shit. Since we got him now, I've got to give it the ol' college try. The less affection F shows him, the more I step up my efforts and the more I lose respect for F.

I've even heard F say to him that he's costing too much money -- things a kid should never hear.

Maybe what I fear most is that I'm that kind of mother myself.... The one who loves myself a little bit more than my own son. I hope I never get tested so that I don't have to know for sure.