Post 1.

Mike told me he writes a blog now. "No one reads it," He said. "I've been listening to a new album each day and reviewing it on my blog. It's become a real chore." I believe it. That's what I expect myself.

I thought I'd have to have something meaty to add to the whole thing... but I'm happy to just have something to take away. Specifically, working out my addictions without boring all who have been bored by them in the last 20 years.

Each night I go to sleep promising myself to wake up as a different person: An exercising, child-engaged, momly, deep-thinking, go-getting, good-cooking, iron-clad planning, drug-free, smoke-free, fashionably dressed -- and not from the junior department-- woman on the GO!

Each morning the promises begin to collapse on each-other. The first tugging at the next, until it's night and and I'm telling myself I'll be that person again-- tomorrow.

Before starting this post, the weed was already calling... promising more wit and flow in my post. It's virtually screaming at me now.

The first time I got off it all, I was 26. I'd done the detox circuit and the meetings and what worked was glomming onto this guy. We sat around acupuncture detox together with needles sticking out of our ears. There was nothing to do while you sat there so I stared at him because he was usually asleep. He looked bad-- lacking teeth, and dressed in an ambiguous hipster/ homeless way. He already had a big year off the junk and a couple of kids from his failed junkie marriage. I leaned on him hard and he needed me too. When he picked up the kids on the weekends, he had no idea what to do with them. I didn't either, but at least we were two.

We're married and we have a son now. One of the sons of his first marriage (now a teenager) lives with us as well.

So here is where I am.-- trying to locate the 'i' in this x-gen, druggie, designer, Jew, Russian, potty-mouth, mom, friend, wife and step-mom -- currently burning it on all sides. I'm hoping to find a little space for the myself in all this self-obliteration.